Jokes , What Else

[Ashok Harsana]

1. What did Banta Singh say when he saw a banana peel lying on the floor?

Oye aaj phir phisal na pade ga!


2. What did Banta Singh say when he saw two banana peels lying on the floor?

Oye kis par se phisaloon???



3. Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!'

Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'



4. Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything.

Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.

Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!

Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'



5. A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. 'Where are you going?' he asked.

'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!'

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed.

'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'



6. A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group.

The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.

As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'

The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'



7. A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?'

Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'

'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.

'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100?

'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'



8. A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'The man says 'The bad news.'

The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!'

The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'


Add your Jokes

[abhati]

hehe, nice jokes buddy

ab

[kirpal]

PROFESSOR BIHARI
Prof. Bihari
# Inside the Class :
----------------
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class. ( meaning AFTER the class ..)
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in
my nose today ...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....

# About his family :
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
# At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
# To a boy, angrily :
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
# Giving a punishment :
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)
# Sir at his best :
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance,
he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre,
though the boy did not see them. So the next day
at school... ( to that boy ) - " Yesterday I saw you WITH MY
WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down,
so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and
figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through
one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs.
Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.
Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd
be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best
authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your
prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on
saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear
him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God!
Your prayers will be answered!"
Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big
breath of air, the man decided to try again.
"THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING
TO YOUR MOTHER!"
--------

[kirpal]

The first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they
experimented with their desk computers. One small boy sat staring
at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The
teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer
wants to know what your name is." Then she walked over to the next child.
The first boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux, who is hiding marijuana inside his firewood logs."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
Next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They glare at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

This story is about a rather strange reply for a
campground reservation. It is said to be true,
but you be the judge.

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,
and elegant - especially in her language - was
planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote
to a particular campground and asked for a
reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully
equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about
the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring
herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with
the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But
when she wrote that down, she still thought she
was being too forward. So, she started all over
again, rewrote the letter and referred to the
bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the
campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she
actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at
all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't
figure out what the woman was talking about. That
B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the
letter to several campers, but they couldn't
imagine what the lady meant either. So the
campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion
that the lady must be asking about the location of
the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the
following reply:

'Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in
answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in
informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles
north of the campground and is capable of seating
250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a
distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to
know that a great number of people usually take
their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early and stay late.'

'The last time my wife and I went was six years
ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up
the whole time we were there. It may interest you
to know that right now, there is a supper being
planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're
going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.'

'I would like to say it pains me very much not to
be able to go more regularly but it is sure no
lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it
seems to be more of an effort, particularly in
cold weather.'

'If you do decide to come down to our campground,
perhaps I could go with you the first time you go,
sit with you, and introduce you to all the other
folks.'

'Remember, this is a friendly community.'

[Ashok Harsana]

ha ha ha very gud jokes

[kirpal]

Your Value
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $500/-note. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this 500 note?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this note to one of you but first let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the note up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $ 500/-. Many times in our lives, we are dropped,
crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. U are special - Don't ever forget it!

MORAL of the Story :-

"Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams"

"VALUE HAS A VALUE ONLY IF ITS VALUE IS VALUED BY YOU"

[kirpal]

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him.
When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees", he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!

[kirpal]

Blinds
4 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting without clothes.
Later they heard a knock on the door....
"Who is it???",
The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,
"Nice **** sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

“Leg Test”
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.
He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"


Boys
If you're nice to him, he says you're in love with him, If you aren't, he says you're proud, If you dress nicely, he says you're trying to lure him, If you don't, he says you're from kampung.
If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn, If you keep quiet, he says that you have no brains, If you are smarter than him, he'll lose you, If he's smarter than you, he is great.
If you don't love him, he tries to make a pass at you, If you are in love with him, he will try to leave you, If you don't let him kiss you, he says you don't love him, If you let him kiss you, he says you're cheap.
If you tell him your problems, he says that you're troublesome, If you don't, he says you don't trust him, If you scold him, you're a nanny to him, If he scolds you, it's because he cares for you.
If you break your promise, you cannot be trusted, If he breaks his, he was forced to, If you smoke, you're a bad girl, If he smokes, he's a gentleman.
If you do well in your exam, he says it's luck, If he does, well, he's all brains, If you hurt him, you're cruel, If he hurts you, you're sensitive.
Boys!! how on earth.. can we girls trust you?? You're so unreasonable, unreliable, unrealistic and unbelievable!!!!

[kirpal]

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river.
Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers.
The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a matchbox and asked, "Is this your computer?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." She next showed him a
pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said, "Yes." The River Goddess was happy with his honesty.
She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?" The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium,
the latest computers from IBM!". So saying, she disappeared with the
Pentium!! * * * * * * * * *

Moral:
If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, its better keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[abhati]

hehe, too gud

ab